This is not breaking news and I am sure most of you know... Women Talk! Women talk about "Everything"! The kids, the maids, the in-laws, the hubby, the bedroom anything and everything you can think of! And among so many things I have been talking about something recently struck me.
One thing that I am intrigued by, is how so many of us have come to believe that our happiness lies with our partners. Ill tell you how this happens.
When you get married, you stop thinking of yourself. You start thinking of you as "you and the hubby". And this gets worse once the kid come along. Marriage and kids bring humongous changes in a woman's life. Many quit their jobs. Their memory of themselves, showering and getting dressed in well-pressed,formal clothes, before the clock strikes 9, slowly becomes a very distant one. Between all the lunchboxes, uniforms, dhobiwala, doodhwala, you forget you. Most women lose themselves.
Now the men.. they are programmed very differently. Think about the change that marriage does to a man. He goes to work and comes home to a doting wife whose entire day probably revolved around the meal she has made (well atleast the first few months!). Weekends that were probably spent lazing around or hanging out with friends now becomes- grocery shopping and hanging out with friends along with respective wives. And so the wives gather in the kitchen while the men are watching the game and guess what they are doing? Talking! Talking about how one of the husbands booked a romantic dinner while the others were sorting vegetables from the morning. Imagine the equations that are running in the other women's head right then!
Please note: The changes marriage does to a man are so much more significant than those portrayed here. To go from riding your bike carefree to being held responsible for the well being of an entire family is a huge responsibility. I am not questioning the significance of the change, However, I am only focusing on the day-to day, emotional changes that marriage apparently has on women vs men.
Back to the women- Its at least 4-5 years before you even stop to realize how you are constantly thinking only about these daily operational challenges. And then one day- like the day after swapping stories with your husband's friend's wife (the one with the dinner plans) you start the blame game. Why can't my husband make dinner plans? Why is he not hanging out with my friends and their husbands? Why does he not want to check out the new restaurants in town?
Here is why- please pay attention ladies- this is very important. Because and simply because- he is a DIFFERENT person. While this may seem shocking and against all your emotional intelligence, this is the truth. You are not one person. you are two people, who have their own likes, dislikes, interests, passions. You are married and have decided to spend your lives together. You did not vow to give up on your own and spend every second of yours together.
Before you go on an emotional rampage, that will be hard on both of you, think about the objective. Save yourself some tears and think about what you want. At the end of the day, setting aside all the egos and the"But I want him to..." thoughts, what is the activity that you actually want to do? Is it checking out the new restaurants? Is it shopping? Is it some music concert that you want to see?
Do you want to do this only to put up photos of the both of you doing it? or do you actually enjoy trying new cuisines? Think about it, If you enjoy trying new cuisines, you will enjoy it whether or not he is with you.
The fix: Make it happen. Be your own happy.
If you want to check out new restaurants, you do it. Find people who enjoy doing this too! This could be friends, random people on zomato groups! Plan a weekly girls night or restaurant night! Once you decide to do this, you will find a way of making it happen. You want to go to that concert, put up a facebook post and you will be surprised how many responses you get. You are setting yourself up for new experiences, new friends.
At first, this may seem like a daunting task. It could be awkward. But with time, it becomes very empowering. You begin to realize you have a life of your own, interests of your own, outside the realm of the lunchboxes and the dhobiwala.
Marriage is just a fancy term for compromises. Much as it hurts your ego to admit it, you do compromise. Everyone does it, and everyone compromises in every single relationship. In marriage, the players and the duration of the game is longer. so you just compromise so much more. But here is the trick, when you do it the right way and in the right amounts, the compromise does not feel heavy.
And it start a new vicious cycle- a positive one.
You stop nagging your other half, because you don't need to anymore. You are already making yourself happy. Once the nagging stops, the activity itself- going out restaurants for instance- no longer bears a heavy negative feel. Your other half will probably want to do it because it becomes a welcome change. Win-Win! Your weekly girls night can turn into a date night every now and then!
A few years ago, I made these exact same mistakes. I looked to find my happy in my husband. My entire day and life revolved only around him. As I look back now, I can imagine how suffocating it must have been! When he first told me "Jiyo aur Jeene Do", I felt insulted. The burning question was- if we were meant to lead separate lives why get married at all? The answer is just dawning on me, because, I want to lead my life with you. I dont want to lead your life, and I dont want you to live mine. I want you to witness mine and me yours. I want to come back and share my experiences with you... I dont want you to be part of all of mine and I definitely dont want to be part of all your experiences. What will we talk about then?
Take a moment to think about you. You, as you were before marriage, before the kids. That's still there somewhere within you. Think about what makes you happy. And start making it happen. Be your own happy.
